Wednesday, 18 May 2016

S is for Self-Destructive

courtesy of helene in between
I found this prompt on Muslimah Bloggers about mindfulness. I thought about it for a while and realised there's a few reasons why I don't like mindfulness and why I couldn't, initially, come up with anything to write about it. The following are thoughts in the past week and why 'mindfulness' is something I don't want to touch.

I have made a failure of myself. This last week I've been fumbling with life much less blogging. I wanted to have things in the queue and two posts a week. I could barely get one up last week and this week there are none. I missed out on my #KCACOLS linky which I was doing moderately well on - considering I'm very new and unknown. But more than that I had multiple mental breakdowns.

Most people, when writing about their bad week, do end up feeling better and I guess the act of writing or typing is cathartic. I do feel that it's a good way to release your personal mental vomit to a website that is seen by certain people. Having written in the past for a long time I realise these things are not read and are not taken seriously even by me. I have found that my words fall on no ears and I feel more isolated than I let myself think.

I am very tired of talking to people who suddenly go into problem-solving mode when I just need someone who's going to understand. I need someone who won't look at me completely baffled as to why I'm crying. I need to be able to cry and leave all this mess of emotions with that person and not feel guilty about it afterwards. I need to remember not everything is my fault. I need to remember that feelng guilty won't fix things, but doing things will.

I am sad. I feel sad and frustrated and tired everyday. Sometimes I feel tired in a good way - that today was good and although I am shattered it was worth it. But most of the time I feel tired and miserable. I feel like I have done nothing in the way of feeling tired. Why do I feel tired when so many others have much busier lives than me?

Why do I have the right to feel the way I do when there are single, working mums around? When some mums homeschool, have toddlers, have 2, 3, 4, 10 kids? Why do I feel tired when I don't even own the house I'm living in and have an abundance of help? Why?

I don't know what the answer is. I have never wanted to linger about the reason behind guilty thoughts or sad thoughts, tired thoughts and addressing my feelings that have the right to be addressed.
To be mindful about what I feel in the day is not something I like to do. I don't like to do it because I am afraid of the answer. I am afraid that I am right and that I am not worth my feelings. I am afraid that I have something wrong with me and I won't and don't know how to fix it. I am afraid I won't even try to fix it.

How can I try and fix something that has infested itself in me for so long?

There was a period in my life where I felt calmer, happier. When things were generally looking up and when these intrusive thoughts were at its minimal - still there, but I could handle them better. Why could I handle them better? What changed? The sudden independency of my child? I'm not sure. Again, I don't want the answer - what if I can't get it back again? What if I'm not meant to have it back? What if I have become so self destructive that I won't try to get it back?

This last week has showered bricks over me that I can feel each painful sharp edge, flat smack and dizzying smash. I feel like it has rained upon me and I have tried to ignore it and deal with it to the point that I handed my baby over to my husband and curled up into a ball in hysterics. Never has it happened to me in the day. Never have I gone to the bathroom for my breakdown.

I talked about this in a bit more detail with a very close family member. Even then I couldn't even talk about it seriously. I laughed about it as if it was just a slight hormonal tip - as if I had a touch of PMS even though I knew and did say it definitely wasn't.

I don't know what to do about this anymore. I don't feel to bother my family most of the time - they don't deserve that. I don't want health visitors breathing down my neck even though I had a very good first one for the first four months - she has since left. I have contemplated a GP appointment. I have contemplated anti-depressants.

I don't want those though I just want it to go away. I want all of this to go away. I want to shed it like the skin of a snake. Like the skin you peel off an onion. I want to take it all and shove it in the deep, dark depths of the kitchen bin and toss it into the rubbish truck.

Even now as typing this I wonder whether I should press 'Publish' or shall I press 'Save' and keep it off a blog that is quite pristine and new and light and fluffy. Should I allow my personal thought waste in a place that it may be remembered when I so deeply want to forget?
Looking back on the post when that I made promising I would write what I want to write it leaves me conflicted.

For now I will leave it here. There's no telling over tomorrow.

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

How Cats Can Save Your Marriage*

*only applicable if you like cats
post made out of irony, comprised of partially true thoughts

Marriage is in desperate need of cats. Cats have huge benefits to a single person let alone living in a household with their own humans. 

Here are 5 things in particular that a kitty can transform your beautiful (or rusty) marriage.

  1. Taking care of cats makes you both feel important There are lots to do when you have a cat. You change litter boxes, you play with them, you feed them, they attack you from the other side of the curtains and compare scars. You both get the sharing responsibility of having a baby cat together.                                                                                                                                         
  2.  Bonding time You can mutually bond by sharing what funny things your cats have done when one of you has been at home without the other. You can also share the funny times the bratty one tried to chew your leg off, but it's okay because everyone's up-to-date with their vaccinations! Chatting about the cats can also get things going between you two after an argument, or if something awkward happened between the two of you.                                                                                    
  3.  Traits you haven't seen before Cats can bring all sorts of interesting emotions and reactions out of you that the other person haven't seen before from you. Things like lovingly petting them, moaning at them when they don't come to you, angrily screeching at them when they've ruined your leather sofa. It's so great to see different facets of your partner.                                   
  4. Great source of company Cats provide the greatest company. They really know how to treat you like filth when they want to, but when they're in the mood for it they won't leave you alone! Especially while you're trying to make dinner, ignore a screaming baby and your partner's running around with his fingers in his ears refusing to help you.                                       
  5.  They're a great source of comfort It's really great when they've gone out for ages and then suddenly turn up in the night while you have been sat up worried about them. And they lovingly (loud as a cow) meow for your attention and cuddles (food).

I think these are all valid and great pieces of advice in favour of getting cats to improve your marriage. I don't see where you could possibly go wrong!

Do you have a cat? Why haven't you gotten them the love of their life yet? How have your cats saved you?

    Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

    Thursday, 5 May 2016

    What's Cooking Thursday #2: Lactose-Sensitive Marble Cake!

    This recipe comes from The Guardian I tried and tested it and it worked perfectly. I chose to use a cake tin however instead of a loaf one and it came out great for a first go!

    I decided to then go on a mission and feed everyone this delicious marble cake so I made multiple! One managed to sink, but still tasted good apparently!

    I have a family member who has a lactose sensitivity. It basically means that he has a bit of a bad reaction to some dairy products but can have fresh whole milk & yoghurt from the farm and eggs are fine.

    This recipe includes butter, creme fraiche, milk and dark chocolate. These were the four things that I needed to find alternatives for.
     Butter was fine as I knew of Flora's Vitalite - I didn't find this however on the few occasions I looked for it and settled on some vegan margarine instead.

    The milk wasn't a problem as there are many alternatives such as soya milk, coconut milk, almond milk, etc.

    The creme fraiche I knew alpro has a version of, but I couldn't seem to find it whenever I went looking for it. I settled on  coconut yoghurt. I didn't particularly like the taste and it was a bit strong if you were to use it in the recipe as is. However I put in 25g of extra sugar (so instead of 175 I put 200g of sugar while making this) and this balanced the taste wonderfully - you couldn't even tell!

    The chocolate I ended up looking at (for ages, ask my husband!) was made just with soya and no milk - even though the allergy warnings still applied.

    And it turned out brilliant!

    Do you have anyone that you need to make things for especially lactose intolerance, gluten-free, etc? Do you have trouble finding alternatives? How do you make the alternatives work just as great as the original?