S is for Self-Destructive

courtesy of helene in between

I found this prompt on Muslimah Bloggers about mindfulness. I thought about it for a while and realised there's a few reasons why I don't like mindfulness and why I couldn't, initially, come up with anything to write about it. The following are thoughts in the past week and why 'mindfulness' is something I don't want to touch.



I have made a failure of myself. This last week I've been fumbling with life much less blogging. I wanted to have things in the queue and two posts a week. I could barely get one up last week and this week there are none. I missed out on my #KCACOLS linky which I was doing moderately well on - considering I'm very new and unknown. But more than that I had multiple mental breakdowns.

Most people, when writing about their bad week, do end up feeling better and I guess the act of writing or typing is cathartic. I do feel that it's a good way to release your personal mental vomit to a website that is seen by certain people. Having written in the past for a long time I realise these things are not read and are not taken seriously even by me. I have found that my words fall on no ears and I feel more isolated than I let myself think.

I am very tired of talking to people who suddenly go into problem-solving mode when I just need someone who's going to understand. I need someone who won't look at me completely baffled as to why I'm crying. I need to be able to cry and leave all this mess of emotions with that person and not feel guilty about it afterwards. I need to remember not everything is my fault. I need to remember that feelng guilty won't fix things, but doing things will.

I am sad. I feel sad and frustrated and tired everyday. Sometimes I feel tired in a good way - that today was good and although I am shattered it was worth it. But most of the time I feel tired and miserable. I feel like I have done nothing in the way of feeling tired. Why do I feel tired when so many others have much busier lives than me?

Why do I have the right to feel the way I do when there are single, working mums around? When some mums homeschool, have toddlers, have 2, 3, 4, 10 kids? Why do I feel tired when I don't even own the house I'm living in and have an abundance of help? Why?

I don't know what the answer is. I have never wanted to linger about the reason behind guilty thoughts or sad thoughts, tired thoughts and addressing my feelings that have the right to be addressed.
To be mindful about what I feel in the day is not something I like to do. I don't like to do it because I am afraid of the answer. I am afraid that I am right and that I am not worth my feelings. I am afraid that I have something wrong with me and I won't and don't know how to fix it. I am afraid I won't even try to fix it.

How can I try and fix something that has infested itself in me for so long?

There was a period in my life where I felt calmer, happier. When things were generally looking up and when these intrusive thoughts were at its minimal - still there, but I could handle them better. Why could I handle them better? What changed? The sudden independency of my child? I'm not sure. Again, I don't want the answer - what if I can't get it back again? What if I'm not meant to have it back? What if I have become so self destructive that I won't try to get it back?

This last week has showered bricks over me that I can feel each painful sharp edge, flat smack and dizzying smash. I feel like it has rained upon me and I have tried to ignore it and deal with it to the point that I handed my baby over to my husband and curled up into a ball in hysterics. Never has it happened to me in the day. Never have I gone to the bathroom for my breakdown.

I talked about this in a bit more detail with a very close family member. Even then I couldn't even talk about it seriously. I laughed about it as if it was just a slight hormonal tip - as if I had a touch of PMS even though I knew and did say it definitely wasn't.

I don't know what to do about this anymore. I don't feel to bother my family most of the time - they don't deserve that. I don't want health visitors breathing down my neck even though I had a very good first one for the first four months - she has since left. I have contemplated a GP appointment. I have contemplated anti-depressants.

I don't want those though I just want it to go away. I want all of this to go away. I want to shed it like the skin of a snake. Like the skin you peel off an onion. I want to take it all and shove it in the deep, dark depths of the kitchen bin and toss it into the rubbish truck.

Even now as typing this I wonder whether I should press 'Publish' or shall I press 'Save' and keep it off a blog that is quite pristine and new and light and fluffy. Should I allow my personal thought waste in a place that it may be remembered when I so deeply want to forget?
Looking back on the post when that I made promising I would write what I want to write it leaves me conflicted.

For now I will leave it here. There's no telling over tomorrow.

How Cats Can Save Your Marriage*

*only applicable if you like cats
post made out of irony, comprised of partially true thoughts

Marriage is in desperate need of cats. Cats have huge benefits to a single person let alone living in a household with their own humans. 

Here are 5 things in particular that a kitty can transform your beautiful (or rusty) marriage.

1. Taking care of cats makes you both feel important There are lots to do when you have a cat. You change litter boxes, you play with them, you feed them, they attack you from the other side of the curtains and compare scars. You both get the sharing responsibility of having a baby cat together.                                                                                                                                         
2.  Bonding time You can mutually bond by sharing what funny things your cats have done when one of you has been at home without the other. You can also share the funny times the bratty one tried to chew your leg off, but it's okay because everyone's up-to-date with their vaccinations! Chatting about the cats can also get things going between you two after an argument, or if something awkward happened between the two of you.                                                                                    
   
3.  Traits you haven't seen before Cats can bring all sorts of interesting emotions and reactions out of you that the other person haven't seen before from you. Things like lovingly petting them, moaning at them when they don't come to you, angrily screeching at them when they've ruined your leather sofa. It's so great to see different facets of your partner.                                   
4. Great source of company Cats provide the greatest company. They really know how to treat you like filth when they want to, but when they're in the mood for it they won't leave you alone! Especially while you're trying to make dinner, ignore a screaming baby and your partner's running around with his fingers in his ears refusing to help you.                                       
   
5.  They're a great source of comfort It's really great when they've gone out for ages and then suddenly turn up in the night while you have been sat up worried about them. And they lovingly (loud as a cow) meow for your attention and cuddles (food).

I think these are all valid and great pieces of advice in favour of getting cats to improve your marriage. I don't see where you could possibly go wrong!

Do you have a cat? Why haven't you gotten them the love of their life yet? How have your cats saved you?

It's Time to Focus on Your Goals Today!

Its never late to write about goals. They are useful whenever you decide to start. They don't have to be at the beginning of the year only to be forgotten about on February 14. Every day is a fresh start for you and you can change things on any day any TIME you like. You just have to set realistic ones and to make sure you turn your steps to getting there into good habits. The more you do something the more chance your 'good habit' will stick!

I haven't set any for myself for a long time and I'm getting a bit lost in myself. I thought it would be good to get them down here and force myself to get started. (I've also been doing Helene in Between's 14 day challenge and this was something that came to mind when she said to write a post, ta for the prompt!)

MY PERSONAL GOALS

1. Be a little more adventurous - whether that means meeting new people, cooking new food (and for other people!), getting out and finding new places. Do something adventurous to tell stories about!
2. Learn a bit more patience - especially when it comes to other people and my babe, I can get easily frustrated and need to be a bit more chilled out and resourceful on how to deal with impatience.
3. Start up cross-stitch again - I enjoyed doing this a lot when I first picked it up, but dropped it for a bit when I discovered blogging again.
4. Learn & memorize the 30th chapter of the Qur'aan with translation - I'm hoping to learn the arabic in 2 weeks and the translation is a couple of months.
5. Get someone to teach me Arabic - online or in person, I don't care so long as I'm doing it. I really think I'm missing out on all the un-translated books out there that are waiting to be read!
6. Study & memorize the basics of Islam particularly The Three Fundamental Principles.

 MY BLOGGING GOALS

1.  Post consistently at least twice a week!
2. Get my camera out again and start snapping more
3. Spend more time blogging
4. Have a schedule for posting & always have something in the queue!
5. Collaborate with someone (hint hint)
6. Guest post
7. Go self-hosted
8. Get paid for a post

 MAIN GOAL

1. Don't take life too seriously! Laugh at yourself more. Don't hang on to people who aren't returning the favour. Feel, accept & then move on. 

SO having shared all of mine now...

& what advice do you have for me about mine?

Therapy

I've had a lot of thoughts in my head this week, but have had a hard time trying to translate them into coherent ideas that can be written (or typed) down. So today is a post for the sake of posting (and my sanity).

Here are the things that have been on my mind lately:

1) I find it so hard to blog sometimes, because I often think that I'm not talking to anyone. It is a blank wall and there is no one interested in what I have to say - so why post, or make effort into making anything look nice, at all? What's the point if no one's looking at it?

Well, does it really matter if no one is looking at it? Couldn't it just be for myself? Yes, of course it can. In fact I've loved to look back on things I've kept that I have written in the past. I've read my past writings many times and have often looked back on those periods of my time with some reflection.

However, this doesn't mean I still don't find it hard to do things for myself. Things that will matter one day - that I will want to look back on. I think this has to do with extreme procrastination and laziness. It also has got to do with a lot of self-loathing as I have been self-destructive in the past and don't have the highest opinion of myself. Therefore I do not deserve to have happy moments to look back on - I have written too many things that have painted myself in a bad light and all the tough moments, but rarely the good things.

After all one bad thing is often spotted a mile off in a sea of brilliant blessings.

2) My cousin's grandmother passed away a couple of weeks ago and despite trying to get a hold of her since then she has not once picked up any of my countless phone calls. It's left me disheartened.

3) The lack of time spent with my husband makes me frustrated and sad

4) I'm thinking about trying to teach my little cousins Qur'aan - a very fresh, very new thought. It was brought on by the fact that I will need to teach mine soon and practice would not go amiss. I have also not been in the teaching game for quite a while. I am unsure of how it would work out, how I would try and teach her especially if something doesn't sink in well. I'm not a qualified teacher and although I have some experience, I'm not sure if I'm up for it or not. I am thinking of planning a way to do these lessons, making Istikhaara and then broaching the idea.


These ones are the most prominent in my mind and it was nice to let these thoughts out. So on my last note have a look at the view I had yesterday;

What's been on your mind lately? What kind of therapy works for you?

7 Things To Do Next Pregnancy

• Drink water - the amount of water I drank before Baby compared to after baby was like a desert and a water fountain. So really I want to keep well hydrated as I think this will help my skin a lot during pregnancy. I have an issue with getting mildly dehydrated so that mixed with a toddler is not a situation to be in!

• Eat healthier & more regularly - I find it harder to eat regularly and healthily as I'm such a fussy eater. I also find it harder to eat more regularly as I'm so focused on doing everything else and then when I do eat Baby wants some too! I will have to get used to that and learn how to balance...eventually!

• Be active - I regret not doing this when I was pregnant, I think if I was a lot more active in walking and in general light exercise I wouldn't have felt lazy in later months as well as the extra flexibility wouldn't have hurt either! 

• Be more forward with my midwife about things I want to discuss - My personality is such that I am not an open book when it comes to meeting people for the first time, or the second time - it takes me a while. It also made a difference that I didn't like my midwife. 

She wasn't interested in hearing me speak even though she commented on many occasions about me not speaking very much at all. She didn't want to talk to me about a birth plan and got her trainee to have the most briefest of talks with me. I just didn't feel comfortable at all and the times I did talk to her I was cut off repeatedly.
I think I would ask for a different midwife, or else be more firm in what I wanted to talk about and make sure I get my point across.

• Have a holiday with just my husband - I definitely think we need as much 'us' time as we can soak up before getting on with it being a family of 4! We need non-stressful time together to focus on just us and not what we need to do, not what we have to do, not what we're supposed to do.  

• Spend as much time possible with Baby & Me - I will definitely miss it being just me & Babe. I will miss spending all our time together by ourselves. I will miss the new things that she does and the fact that I can pick it up so fast because there are barely any distractions. I will miss her.
• Similar to above, spend too much time with my mum, dad, sister & cousins while I could!

These are just some of the things that I'd like to be different for the next time. I think it's important to learn from my past experience and try to make some goals for the next one. Things can always be better if you allow them to be.


What is one thing you would change about your last pregnancy?

Coming Back

I've left this blog for a long time and that's because I didn't know what I wanted to do with it. Did I want to make money with it? Did I want to make it a hobby? Did I want to make it and post for an audience, for popularity? Or did I want it for me? Did I just want something, one thing, to stick to?

I think the answer to all of those questions is yes. I wanted to do something to get myself some extra change, even if it wasn't much. I wanted it for a hobby. I wanted an audience to care about what I wrote each week. I wanted it to be my personal sanctuary and I wanted, for once, to commit to something and not fall onto the long list of things that I had failed at/lost interest in/just got lazy with.

So I stopped. I forgot. I left it alone and thought about it. I talked about it with a friend, and I realised by just talking about it how much I wanted to be back into it again. But I need a new focus and I need to remember always what my new focus is and to constantly and consistently make goals with my blog.

So I have decided that this will be left as my own personal space, that I will write my feelings out and make posts that matter to me. That I will not leave my thoughts and feelings by the way-side as I often do. That I will start and finish each post with sincerity and not feel bad if I think that particular post isn't as good as someone else's.

I will try harder and better in this aspect of my life, because if I have goals with this then I can have goals with other aspects in my life. I'm hoping something positive will come out of this. I hope for the best.

To Mum

I often think about death and about you

I think how much you'll meet too soon

I don't want to think about it because you are too dear to me

I want you to stay with me forever please

You have done everything for me and I want you to know

That I will be forever grateful even if it doesn't show

I want to hug you tight and never let go

But you would get claustrophobic and shake me so

I hope like everyone says that time will fly

Because im getting upset without your goodnights

I miss you too much and hope you come back soon

I hope you're having a good time - don't forget to look for the moon!

I love you too much you are my best friend

But all of this is driving me right round the bend

This is getting off hand I should probably stop

But not before explaining that my heart is in a knot

There are too many mixed feelings when you left me today

I was too happy for you but I wanted you to stay

I hope you come back with Nür in your face

A happiness within you that other people would have to chase

I want you to have everything your heart desires

So I pray for you always that Jannah is where you retire

I will always ask that when you meet death soon

Allaah will only take you when He's most happiest with you

I hope you can understand that when you ask things twice

Its only because I think your voice is so nice!

I want only the best for you and sometimes that doesn't include me

But I hope one day you will be set free

I want you to know you are my very best friend

I love you so much I won't pretend

I'm really going now - and this is my final goodbye

I love you so much and that's never a lie.

Conversation with a friend

There was a quote from tumblr about one person asking why do the best people die
And the other persons says when you go to a field of flowers which ones do you pick
The answer being the prettiest
And i think thats a crap question and its a crap answer in that context
It goes well with things that we like personally in life though
We pick the things we find prettiest and then they get taken away because they wilt
The thing betweens you wilts
And its not a bad thing
It just has to happen in a lot of cases
Lots of things wilt
So you have to keep picking
And you shouldnt betray that thing before its time is up
You have to let it run its course
And enjoy it
And when it goes then mourn it and move on
And when another thing crops up and it looks like a past one you have to make a decision whether theyre worth picking and if you cant find anything wrong with the thing itself then not to be clouded by how you felt with those last wilted things
Its good to let things play out and to enjoy it and its important to learn not to get tangled up like you did previously. Everything happened for a reason